Practice 3 - You Seem (Skilful Projections)
When you share your experience of the other you enter a new dimension in connection. This kind of expression can have a big impact, as it gives the other person direct feedback on how you perceive them in the moment. This practice enables you to share your impressions of another without creating defensiveness, as it emphasizes the imaginative/interpretative nature of communication. This is especially useful for those concerned about projection.
Projection is the reading of feelings, thoughts, and sensations into others, that you are actually having in yourself. This usually happens unconsciously until you become aware that it can occur in communication. However, fear of projecting can make you overly reserved in sharing your world with others. When you open yourself to sharing your world, including your projections, and remain open to receiving honest feedback, projections can be discovered much more easily, and can actually serve to deepen the connection rather than create distance. This is where your capacity for Commitment to Connection can support you.
In other words, this means that when you are sharing, you are open to the possibility that your ideas of what is happening in the other may not be accurate. Furthermore, it demonstrates your acceptance of the vulnerability of making a mistake, and even of wanting to explore your own projections and how they influence those around you.
The opposite of sharing an imagining, is to make a definite assessment of the other—by telling them who they are without giving them space to respond, e.g. ‘You’re lonely’. In this practice use the sentence stems, ‘I’m imagining…’ or ‘You seem…’, to emphasize that these are interpretations. Make sure also that you leave space for the other to respond with what feels true for them, or, you can actively ask them. This non attachment to being right creates space for an exploration of the connection between you and another, as well as supporting them to go into places that may be vulnerable. Further, this space may allow them to bring more subtlety and reveal more of what is present in them—deepening the connection for both of you.
Preparation
At first, it can feel vulnerable and risky to share your impressions of another.
You may want to start with the Noticing Practice or with Meditation in Eye Contact (see Practices 1 and 2). Starting from a meditation is still essential, as your shares and impressions will likely come from a deeper place when you are connected to your own experience.
Before you begin, make sure both partners know that you are focusing deeply on each other in this practice—you will be putting your attention on the other and sharing what you imagine you see in them.
Instruction
Once you have completed your warm-up practice, sit with your partner and begin to feel into what you imagine is happening for them right now.
Start to share your impressions, using the sentence stems, "I imagine…" or "You seem…".
If you are receiving an impression from your partner, allow time to notice the impact of what they have shared before deciding whether it fits for you.
After receiving, you can give feedback—you may want to confirm what your partner has imagined, express more accurately what is happening in you, or clarify. After this you can drop back into silence, waiting for another share of what is being imagined by you or your partner.
Notes
There is no need to take turns in this practice—it can be better to wait until the impressions feel alive. It may be that one partner has more impressions to share than the other.
You may also notice that you have some ideas about them as a person—outside of this moment. For example: 'I imagine you are very sensitive to other people’s energies', or 'I imagine you are good at getting what you want'. These are welcome but usually less powerful than sharing what you experience in the moment.
It is a deeper practice to take time to breathe the other person in. This means allowing yourself time to feel what it is like to be with them. It is also essential to be present in yourself while bringing your attention to the other. If you lose connection to yourself the other will likely sense it, and is much more likely to become defensive. Being grounded in your own experience will often encourage the other to be more present with you, and create a stronger container for the connection.
Lastly, we want to again emphasize that you will have more impact if you’re willing to wait for something about the other to emerge by itself, rather than rushing to give an impression.
Examples
Partner 1: 'You seem a little nervous.'
Partner 2: 'Yes, I am… I feel anxious as I’m not sure what you are going to say.'
(Back to silence)
Partner 1: 'You seem sad right now.'
Partner 2: 'I don’t feel sad... I feel quiet, like my focus and energy are turned inwards.'
(Back to silence)
Partner 1: 'I imagine you are feeling shy but also want to take a risk to show more of yourself.'
Partner 2: 'Yes, I do feel shy, although I like feeling my courage to be me.'
Partner 1: 'I imagine you would find it hard to hear something that does not feel totally true.'
Partner 2: 'I have never heard that before, but yes I want to be seen accurately. It feels horrible to feel misunderstood.'
Why this practice is powerful
This practice brings to the surface the judgements and impressions that are usually present in connection, but are often unspoken. By owning an impression, the problems of projection are easier to see and understand, and can actually be played with—as long as we are open to being wrong about our imaginings.
It also brings a dynamic energy to the relationship that has a feeling of direct contact between you and another. It can clean the connection of assumptions and unsaid feelings, and therefore more realness and trust can emerge. Explore how the connection between you and your partner changes as you do this practice.
When someone is willing to say “no,” it tends to validate their “yes.” In a similar way, when we're willing to share our projections (rather than being afraid of upsetting others), it builds trust and gives credibility to our sharing in general.
This is also a chance to learn more about how others see you, and through this deepen your connection to yourself. You may get some surprising feedback—with this, notice what happens in you.
How to deepen your practice
You can deepen your experience by taking more risks and being as honest as possible. Even though this seems to be a projection about the other, the risk is actually in how much you are willing to reveal and own about yourself. Also, the more you are able to drop into presence and see the other with subtlety, the more is possible. The key, is the space you leave for the other to fill in what is true for them, after you have offered your sense of them/what is happening in them.
You can also use the noticing and feeling combinations to add detail to what you are saying, for example:
Andy: 'I notice I feel less present right now. I am imagining that you also feel less connected.'
Beth: 'Yes, I am worried that you would find my concerns about work boring, so I feel more careful as I express them.'
Andy: 'Hearing that I feel more here, you seem more stressed now.'
Beth: 'I’m feeling heavy. I can feel some sadness and might cry if you keep asking me about it.'
Andy: 'I am noticing I feel curious about your sadness. I am imagining you don’t feel comfortable sharing your sadness.'
Beth: 'I can feel the sadness coming to my eyes, and yes I want to cry, but I feel ashamed to do that with you.'
This practice example, based on a real interaction, shows how staying with your experience in the moment can actually bring you closer together, even if what you are noticing is that you feel less present, or fearful about how the other might perceive you.
Bringing these insights into your life
These tools are extremely powerful for use in everyday life because they bridge the gap between what we imagine is happening in someone, and what is actually going on for them. We all have ideas about what’s going on in others (this is a powerful capacity that is extremely useful for sensing other people and the world around us), but if we don’t check these out they can be the cause of misunderstandings or unwanted distance.
When we check whether our ideas about another person are true for them, we run the risk of not being right. However, if we are willing to take that chance, we have the opportunity to deepen the connection—as we’re likely to get more information about what is going on for them.
This can also be a powerful way of feeling into the deeper emotions present in emotionally charged situations; when the conversation feels like it is happening ‘on top’ of something unnamed—the “elephant in the room”. For example: One of our team has found this to be an extremely useful tool in her work with teenagers. The ability to feel into what may be happening emotionally, beneath the overt communication or behaviour, has been an indispensable way of connecting with her students where they are, and often in a deeper vulnerability. This has allowed her a deeper sense of understanding and more success in resolution of conflict.
This practice is one of the most effective and powerful ways to feel into someone else’s experience, and to see them for who they are in the moment. It can help you upgrade the quality of your connections and bring more aliveness to them—creating a space where you can continually explore and evolve what is possible. Sit tight as you start to see the depth of insight developing in yourself, and the way that this inspires others.
Some common mistakes when first exploring Owning Your Experience
Owning surface level experience while hiding what is really going on inside.
e.g. 'I’m feeling nervous', instead of, 'I’m afraid you’ll reject my style of leadership'.
Using a language pattern to blame someone else.
e.g. 'I feel like you’re being a jerk' or 'I feel you should…'.
Turning 'ownership' into blaming yourself.
e.g. 'I know it’s just my projection, but when you said I’m an idiot, I felt really hurt'. In this example the person is downplaying their own reaction as a projection, and therefore not bringing it fully/nakedly into connection.
Owning someone else’s feelings.
e.g. 'I’m feeling your anger'. In this example it may be true that the person is feeling an energy in response to another’s holding back, however, this statement is much more a blame and a distancing from taking responsibility for what is arising in them.
Using it to prevent experiencing and communicating negative emotions, and/or judgements.
e.g. Skirting your anger and judgement by saying, 'I want us to feel more peaceful together and I need more support from you'.